It isn’t easy looking back on 2013. Especially when I see in my mind all the things that I miss, and all the shit I’ve been into and… you get the picture. I don’t usually tell all here because I’d like to keep this space free from negativity. I swore that the old days when the world aka the internet has to bear all the shit. I have Twitter for that though. It all boils down to this – the year it was was pretty awesome and gruesome all at the same time.
It was gruesome. I wouldn’t want to look back, but I guess it would help me if I do.
Early 2013, I really thought I could still save my friendship with some people. Then I realized, it was fake all along. It hurt me, especially when they decided they don’t need to know my side of the story. It was doomed and null from the start and I was just too naive to see it. True enough, I wasn’t young anymore, but still naive.
Then there was him, who I still honestly love no matter what, I can’t explain it even though we weren’t really together, but it was also a ticking bomb. I’d like to believe that he was sincere, but I couldn’t believe that after all those times I stood up for him, he still wouldn’t hear me out.
The spiralling down of some of my relationships also cascaded into some parts of my life. I destroyed myself and alongside some branches. I was distrusting. I escape most of the time. I didn’t want to face any of it. I’d take anyone who would take me to the beach or anywhere remote just to feel disconnected with all the feelings that I harbour all the time.
It was difficult, paired with the nagging feeling, of wanting to find my true self. From the jobs that I do, to my daily trivialities, to unbelievably high skyscraper dreams. Everything shifted. And nothing was going my way.
Existential pangs that hail from way back college haunted me. I asked a lot of times why I am doing such things – of hurting myself and eventually those who are around me. It was difficult. I was an adult trying to adult things with teenage bullcrap.
But despite all this, I was massively surprised that I got to stick with my goals, anyhow. I was so focused on the negative that I didn’t even see the good things I’ve done. I was being hard on myself – to achieve this and that. As with how we are with other people, I learned that we have to be forgiving with ourselves.
I met a lot of people this year. It was a diverse group – I didn’t even mind who they are or what they do; some of the things that matter to me back then. Diversity. I am not in a place to choose, anyway. They brought plenty of new experiences, that are pretty much what I would remember 2013 for. Mended a broken heart, escaped a self-destructive state, hopped from one job to another (one that I am not particularly proud of, but hey it’s a process of finding what you really love to do, or at least tolerate for some dough.) Moved out from the ‘rents and paid actual rent. Found and formed a lot of new relationships (platonic, that is) with people I never knew I’d get along with. Went to a lot of places — alone and with people I love.
I got to know myself more in 2013 – what I want, how I feel, and where I want to be.
It ended with a new job, where I felt I could stay (let’s see!) I’m in a better position, financially. Even learned how to manage. In every bit, it’s the first year, I don’t feel so lost, and obscure, and confused. It’s a welcome feeling of certainty. I couldn’t ask for more, because honestly after all the shit 2013 brought me, I appreciate that there are people who still believed in me, and stuck with me.
And I thought, hey. All in a year’s worth. Of pains, of successes. Of escapes, of confrontations. Of hatred, of love. Of life.
I am so ready for another bout. With all the love and energy that I get from people I care about. With a loving family who support me.
Of a person with renewed strength, emerging from the ashes of doubt.