Holing up

As you’d know if you’ve been reading up lately – I’ve been trying to get weekends to be really interesting for me. Life has been a bit routinary for me, and I badly want for weekends as terrific as they can. This would usually involve sleep deprivation, a big gash in the pocket, and random bouts of fatigue come the work week. For the past few weekends though, since I came back from a very off-budget trip (with another one boding in a week,) I’d rather myself spend weekends holing up in my apartment. This has given me a time for contemplation – mostly on how the past weekends went and also on life, yolo-ing, and the grand scheme of things.

***

First maybe will be about spending – something I am particularly and painfully good at. I mean god, if I have one singular talent my family and friends will remember me for, it will be this one. At first, it felt good because I can buy things for myself – things I need and mostly things I want (and need as well, let me argue.) But lately, I’m giving some thought on my habits that may be soon hardcoded in me (eeeeep!) if I don’t take a sec to think about it. And I end up yelling at myself — what the hell, Jonver?!

I’d always say that, “hey it is my money” and I am entitled to spend that hard-earned cash in any way we want. There is no argument in that. But y’know when people are just telling me that – hey it is not practical, and we must save for the future, for our family yada yada yada – I really tend to argue with all my might. It is so obvious though I couldn’t see it before my eyes that 1.) living alone, you can only depend on yourself, and 2.) life has the funny way of turning things around, and Murphy’s Law will be that bitch that tells you, “I told you so.” Three years and an empty savings account, I am definitely not proud to be a big spender. It’s obvious, something has to change.  

Then there’s my true long shot goal. What I really want, where I really want to be. And it’s been real, it’s been hard for my three years of underemployment. Jobs, here and there, trying to be independent and shit, moving in and out of the city, etc. – but where am I really going to? It’s especially difficult when friends are making it in their own respective paths. Lately, and more often, I find myself in a corner, alone or not, contemplating: what’s next? Is career all I ever have to think? I have no plans of having a family, or at least it hasn’t crossed my mind as a viable long-term plan. My family is doing good, and all three of us siblings are now working. What is next in this life? Then it just gets messy inside my head and I’d rather shut it all out for the next round of thinking because it’s just too much in one sitting.

Y’all know I don’t write much about these things, but lately I just felt the need to let it out and somehow lighten the load.

Don’t get me wrong though, I love where I stand now. It’s sustainable, despite my horrid spending habits, and enjoyable, despite my distorted standards of quality of life. It’s just that sometimes, when left alone, I can’t help to think about the future and what I’ve been doing to reach it. Many a time, I find myself completely clueless about where I am going. Then I try to find a piece of paper and try to scribble my possible futures, in different realities, that is. While choices are absolutely a privilege to have, I also think that it shows how indecisive and how unplanned I am. Those who just graced their way into adult life, please show yourselves because I think I need help.

Though I guess, I have one goal that I am most certain and not completely clueless about.

Travel has been my ultimate vice, something I am happy I picked up, and perhaps also the single major purporter of my spending habits. Though the intangible experiences I bring home are way priceless to compare, really. Truly, I’ve never regretted one cent I dropped for travel.

Recently, and also maybe why I am spending weekends inside in the first place, I’ve been booking flights here and there; yolo-ing, plotting out my vacation leaves next year as if I have ’em already (and maybe the sick leaves, too? Just kidding! My manager might find this, lol) and every flight, cheap or expensive, makes me jump in overwhelming bliss. This year alone has been great. Although I didn’t have the same freedom I used to have to go wherever, anytime, for as long as I want; I am still as glad to go – new destinations or old ones.

I figured that it really doesn’t matter if I’ve been somewhere already, as every takeoff is a different landing, some things are just sweeter the second time around. Traveling alone really proved to be exquisitely rewarding, too! I’ve never been more comfortable being left to myself. It’s like for each little journey I embark in, I discover something new about myself, too.

Being alone in travel means meeting a lot more people than usual, too! It’s a definite plus to meet people in travel and get inspired of their stories. It’s like a glimpse of a world I’ve never been to and it only spurs the excitement I’ve always had inside me more. It makes me feel more human and alive.

Even when I’m not traveling, I enjoy knowing people and their stories through postcards. It’s something I am growing fondly of. Just last week, I received my first postcard from Postcrossing and it was from a sweet lady from The Netherlands. It feels exhilarating that halfway across the world, somebody thought of you, even for the bare five minutes s/he chose a postcard and wrote something for you. I know that these are people that I will barely know and will only meet through postcards but knowing that they spent time and energy for that beautiful card to get to me means a lot.

The first time I stepped in the airport and flew, I told myself, I want to see the world – with my own eyes, in the flesh, while I’m young and able to walk all day without a knee cap tearing apart or a back snapping in the weight of my own body. If there is a job out there that will pay me to send me away, then I’ll look for it. Because it’s the one thing I’m most sure I want.

Three years after, nothing has changed – only more hopeful of destinations and experiences and surprises the world has in tow for me.

***

I guess it’s not that bad that I still don’t know what I want, huh? Just now, while writing this, I realized that it takes bravery to take on life with the goal of finding what you really want and essentially finding who you really are. (Cue: Reflection by Christina Aguillera) Maybe, it doesn’t mean that people around you figured out the life equation and you hadn’t that you are a slack off (besides, do they really?) There will be times that you may wish you know what you want but that’s how life rolls I guess. And I think there is, somehow, beauty in it.

Like love, the chase is an adventure in itself. 

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Jonver

Jonver

He drinks coffee day in, day out. Iced Americano is his poison of choice, anytime anywhere.

He works in digital advertising but this blog is not about his job. Jonver overshares about his travels, boy dreams, and existentiality on his little space in the world wide web. He finds drunk tweeting amusing - all the more because he's funnier that way.

He likes to believe that his name is so unique he feels confident to ask you to search his name instead of giving his social media handles.
Jonver

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