It isn’t easy looking back on 2013. Especially when I see in my mind all the things that I miss, and all the shit I’ve been into and… you get the picture. I don’t usually tell all here because I’d like to keep this space free from negativity. I swore that the old days when the world aka the internet has to bear all the shit. I have Twitter for that though. It all boils down to this – the year it was was pretty awesome and gruesome all at the same time.
It was gruesome. I wouldn’t want to look back, but I guess it would help me if I do.
Early 2013, I really thought I could still save my friendship with some people. Then I realized, it was fake all along. It hurt me, especially when they decided they don’t need to know my side of the story. It was doomed and null from the start and I was just too naive to see it. True enough, I wasn’t young anymore, but still naive.
Then there was him, who I still honestly love no matter what, I can’t explain it even though we weren’t really together, but it was also a ticking bomb. I’d like to believe that he was sincere, but I couldn’t believe that after all those times I stood up for him, he still wouldn’t hear me out.
The spiralling down of some of my relationships also cascaded into some parts of my life. I destroyed myself and alongside some branches. I was distrusting. I escape most of the time. I didn’t want to face any of it. I’d take anyone who would take me to the beach or anywhere remote just to feel disconnected with all the feelings that I harbour all the time.
It was difficult, paired with the nagging feeling, of wanting to find my true self. From the jobs that I do, to my daily trivialities, to unbelievably high skyscraper dreams. Everything shifted. And nothing was going my way.
Existential pangs that hail from way back college haunted me. I asked a lot of times why I am doing such things – of hurting myself and eventually those who are around me. It was difficult. I was an adult trying to adult things with teenage bullcrap.
But despite all this, I was massively surprised that I got to stick with my goals, anyhow. I was so focused on the negative that I didn’t even see the good things I’ve done. I was being hard on myself – to achieve this and that. As with how we are with other people, I learned that we have to be forgiving with ourselves.
I met a lot of people this year. It was a diverse group – I didn’t even mind who they are or what they do; some of the things that matter to me back then. Diversity. I am not in a place to choose, anyway. They brought plenty of new experiences, that are pretty much what I would remember 2013 for. Mended a broken heart, escaped a self-destructive state, hopped from one job to another (one that I am not particularly proud of, but hey it’s a process of finding what you really love to do, or at least tolerate for some dough.) Moved out from the ‘rents and paid actual rent. Found and formed a lot of new relationships (platonic, that is) with people I never knew I’d get along with. Went to a lot of places — alone and with people I love.
I got to know myself more in 2013 – what I want, how I feel, and where I want to be.
It ended with a new job, where I felt I could stay (let’s see!) I’m in a better position, financially. Even learned how to manage. In every bit, it’s the first year, I don’t feel so lost, and obscure, and confused. It’s a welcome feeling of certainty. I couldn’t ask for more, because honestly after all the shit 2013 brought me, I appreciate that there are people who still believed in me, and stuck with me.
And I thought, hey. All in a year’s worth. Of pains, of successes. Of escapes, of confrontations. Of hatred, of love. Of life.
I am so ready for another bout. With all the love and energy that I get from people I care about. With a loving family who support me.
Of a person with renewed strength, emerging from the ashes of doubt.
He works in digital advertising but this blog is not about his job. Jonver overshares about his travels, boy dreams, and existentiality on his little space in the world wide web. He finds drunk tweeting amusing - all the more because he's funnier that way.
He likes to believe that his name is so unique he feels confident to ask you to search his name instead of giving his social media handles.
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